Say I love you..

“Do you love me?” I asked with great expectations, looking into his eyes.
He turned his face away and pretended to be busy with something.
I knew the answer anyways..he loves me ofcourse!
He searches for me if I am out of sight, he never wants me to be away from him, he does not like if my attention is anywhere apart from him, he depends on me for most of his needs. However, even if we know someone’s feelings for us, it is always heartening to listen them accepting themselves and saying I love you.
“I…love..you…see, its so simple to say, please..just once..” I was almost pleading.
He turned in opposite direction and started walking away. I audaciously walked behind him and faced him again towards me. Visibly displeased by this interruption, he tried to free his arms from my grip. I left his arms, sat on my knees and took his face in my palms.
“I love you and I know you too. It will make my day to listen it from you though..”
Me “I”
He “Ai”
Me “Love”
He “ab”
Me “You”
He “ooo”
Me “I love you”
He “Aiiibb”
Me 🙂 🙂 🙂
He “Aiiiooo”
Me “Aww… my koochi pie!”
He “Aii..” Me “love”… He “you”
I pulled him towards me, hugged him tight and frantically kissed him with delight.
With this sudden outburst of his crazy mom, he squealed but then enjoyed all the showering affection.
Those sweet words coming from my darling son’s drooling mouth meant so much to me, even though he didn’t know the meaning.
Waiting for the day when he will not only mean it, but will also know the meaning and how much it means to me 🙂

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अपने पे बीती…

Hilarious take on Indori description of accident.
Every Indori can relate..

#define MOH!T upx86

दो दिन पहले घटी छोटी सी दुर्घटना का विवरण अपने इंदौरी भिया को बताते हुए…

अब क्या बताएं भिया,
आज तो जो फैले है कि पूछो मत,
सड़क पे ऐसे लोटे के उठे मत।

किसी भेरू के चक्कर में अपन भेरा गए,
और धरती माता की गौद में पेल के जा गिरे।

जैसे पोए पे जिरावन छिड़कता है,
वैसेज अपने पे धुला लिपट ग्या,
औंधा रगड़ ग्या, गौड़ा घिसड़ ग्या।

कोई पायलेट-गिरी नि कर्रे थे अपन,
बस शांति से घर के लिए निकल रिये थे।

कजन किसकी खटारा से तेल टपका,
उसपे अपनी रामप्यारी का पइयाँ रपटा।

फिर अब क्या भिया अपना तो बेलेन्स गया,
नि साथ में सूज-सम्पट भी गयी।

बाकि तो सब पेलेज बता दिया,
की केसा गिरा और क्या हुआ।

पर ये तो सुनो पेलवान,
बाद में अपन्ने क्या किया।

नि-नि करते दस-पंद्रा लोग देख रिये थे,
पर अपन खुदिज उठे और रामप्यारी उठई।

एक झाड़ की…

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Oasis

This long blog post is full of rants about first world problems of a working mom of infant..and about a beautiful realization

It was a particularly bad day.

Maid was on planned leave and babysitter didn’t show up and switched off her phone.

Well not everyone will consider it as such a catastrophe but it is .. for me

My to- do list of the day suddenly doubles up with this unplanned event.

Flashback 4 hrs -The reason I woke up at 6:00 in the morning in spite of sleeping after 2 AM was just so that I could complete a big chunk of my office work. But just  as I was brushing my teeth, my 9 month old baby stirred in his sleep. I jumped to his side and stroked and rocked him. Once he was back in his slumber, I logged in to my laptop. It was 6:45 already. VPN connecting.. connecting..connecting. Few attempts. Taking too long. Laptop restart. VPN connecting..connected. Remote Server connecting..locked. Trying another server..locked. Trying 3rd one.. connecting…connected. Opened the login page of application, login credentials entered and I glanced at right bottom of laptop showing 7:22. I proceeded with my work and at 7:53 my son cried again. I rushed quickly but he was fresh and wide awake. So the routine started and before I could realize it was about 9 AM. I was desperately waiting for my nanny to show up so that I can hand him over and catch up with the work. My phone rang. Call from boss – “EOD status updates for yesterday?”. Oh yes..at the time of my EOD which was almost EON as well, I was dead tired to remember sending status.

I placed my son in bouncer and switched on my laptop. By the time login was done, I started tea. My son, super excited at the sight of laptop, wanted to jump from his bouncer with happy shrills. Since he has learned to crawl, he doesn’t like his once-best-friend bouncing chair that much. I kept singing to him, sent the status mail, poured the tea and handed to hubby. Then tried calling the nanny. Switched Off. It means she will bunk today. Already boiling because of sleep deprivation and no productivity till 9:30, I kept on preparing a good bashing for her in my mind and switched myself to auto-pilot mode and started with chores.

I was dicing vegetables when my son started his excursion of picking up crumbs from the floor. Keeping my eyes on him, I was not looking at chopping board and thus got a deep cut in my finger. In a few minutes, in his attempt to stand while pulling at sofa cushion, he landed on his bum with a thud and wailed. I was trying to get at least cooking done by the time hubby leaves for office.  Because now, since he has started crawling and pulling up, my two eyes and 2 hands are just not enough to supervise him while doing anything else. But while I was calming him down, DH declared that he will be leaving in next 15 mins. My baby was sleepy, but not willing to sleep. Finally, I just carried him to kitchen and my phone rang. From boss – “1…. is not yet completed..why?” I started explaining her that we are blocked because it may be a defect and I have dropped a mail to onsite team member and once it is confirmed then I will log that defect, when my husband was getting all fidgety and waiting desperately for my call to end. As soon as I hung up, he announced that he will eat in office and is leaving now. It was 10. Once he left, I picked up my son for massage and bath, hoping that he will sleep after that. 10:45 – he is sleeping peacefully and I logged in to my laptop prioritizing the day’s work. Dishes – will do later. Brooming and mopping -necessary.. before he wakes up or else everything lying on floor will end up in his tummy. Will just catch up with my work and will start all housework at 12. He will sleep till 12:30.

Laptop login->VPN login->remote server connected -> application URL entered -> environment down! I took a screenshot, posted it to ask if anybody else is facing the same.

And started brooming. The phone beeped. “Please send updated vacation tracker”

I dropped the broom and complied to that for another 10 mins. Looking at the state of things since morning, I sent another mail that I am taking day off. Picked up the broom and husband called to inform that gas cylinder will be delivered today so keep the cash ready. I wanted to rant some time about how bad my day was going, but he had a meeting to attend.

I was so much furious over my babysitter that all I could think was to fire her. She always bunks uninformed, then switches off her phone and turns up with some lame excuse like she went shopping with her neighbour. And to such excuses, hubby dear says that at least she is telling the truth, not faking sick leaves. But a leave is a leave for god sake! Last time I had threatened her that I will deduct per day amount from her salary, and the amount will be my per day salary, not hers. At this, she replied nonchalantly in typical hyderabadi – “parwa nai madam..life ko thoda enjoy bhi karne ka na”.

I was done brooming and was about to start mopping.  12:15.  I need to prepare his lunch before he wakes up. I placed his dal ragi on burner, sterlized his utensils and started mopping. Half done and he woke up crying. I placed the mop in wash area, washed my hands and by that time, he was in hysterics. It took a good 15 mins to bring him back to normal state. I glanced at my phone. 2 more missed calls.

I called back, apologizing for missing the calls. Some document, required ASAP. I tried placing my son in bouncer and was thinking of another of my leave wasted because of nanny. I was on day off but I could not even rest. A pile of house work was still there. I was envious of everyone who could sleep for more than 4 hrs. My son fussed again and I realized he is hungry and won’t wait for long. So I sent the doc on skype as I just could not wait for vpn and then outlook to connect with him flailing his limbs in anger. He was hungry. I placed his apron at which he looked contented that finally he is gonna get some food. Now he sat peacefully in his bouncer. Eating was by far one of his favorite activities. I started feeding him and doorbell rang. Impatient, back to back 3 rings. Gas cylinder.  Annoyed by this interruption, he started crying already. Trying to shush him, as soon as I picked him up from his chair, he started crying louder in protest, may be thinking that this was it and he won’t get more food.

I had forgot to keep the cash ready. I started fumbling through my wallet simultaneously convincing my baby that he will get more food in a minute and keeping an eye on the cylinder boy who was dragging empty one from the kitchen.

“Here”, I  handed him the cash. “Booklet”.. Oh, yes, I searched and gave him the booklet with my phone ringing and my son crying in background and shut the door with a slam to respond to both. Doorbell rang.. he returned the booklet. Stupid me.. I forgot to take it back. He asked “madam nahi hai kya ghar me?” “Hmm? ” By the time I realized, he left and I was like – What!! I am The Madam!

Now my son was not only angry, he was furious. I started feeding him again but he tossed the spoon and kept crying. Phone rang again. OMG, I have missed 3 calls today! With him screaming at the top of his lungs, it was out of question to receive. I messaged and got the reply. I need to e-mail the document, ASAP, boss not online on skype.

While I was thinking how to send a mail with him crying and wiggling in my tow, he peed and soaked me. Now this was the limit! He was crying coz he wanted to pee. And I failed again to catch his cue. I am such a bad, bad mom!

As is, the sleep deprived me is the most pathetic version of myself. Now with my red eyes surrounded by dark circles, I sighed and looked around. House was a mess and I was too. One wasted leave. One painful finger. My husband left without eating and without his lunch box. My son havn’t ate and was crying badly. Failing at everything since morning, by this time, I was on the verge of crying out louder than my son.

Just then my friend and neighbor Tanuja peeped from the open door. My son was slightly pleased at her sight.

Hey..wats up? she asked

Now to this question, my husband keeps reminding me that ‘I am doing good’ is a perfectly acceptable answer. You don’t need to rant about how bad you maid or work is. People don’t like cribbers. But at that moment, being likeable was my least priority. I went on for full 3 minutes while changing my son. “Ohh.” was all she said.

Phone rang. My heart started pounding that I havn’t mailed that ASAP doc yet. It turned out to be some random bank for personal loan.  Sometimes I feel this strong urge to hammer my phone to powder and flush it.

Meanwhile, Tanu had picked up my son and he was smiling at her.

She looked at the state of me and asked if I had lunch. It was 1:30 and I muttered looking at half diced veggies that actually I am yet to cook. “I’ll be back in a min, I have cooked extra”, she said and while I fed my now calm son rest of his food, she came back with food for me!

“Hey, you don’t need to do that” I said with embarassment. She said its ok, and that she will take my son with her for sometime so that I can shower and eat peacefully. I could not thank her properly as I felt something building up in my throat. She added that I can have a nap while she will watch my son. I managed to smile when my son happily waved bye to me and as soon as I closed the door, I broke into sobs.

All my self pity and resentment towards world was washed away by this kind gesture of hers. I emailed that required document while still in soiled clothes and continued to cry for few more mins till I let out all the feelings that overwhelmed me. I drank a full bottle of water which made me realize that I was actually thirsty. And I felt so much better after a quick warm shower and eating the comforting food. I could not thank her enough. It meant so much for me when I was about to lose my sanity.  Before she came, I was feeling a total loser – the woman who can’t manage a thing, neither home, nor job and the kinds who makes her child miserable. Now, things felt quite ok and manageable.

Previously, I used to be quite reluctant to ask anybody for any kind of help. I would rather do everything on my own or at max hire a help – the egoistic me that was!

But this humbling experience of raising a child made me realize that it takes a lot to survive day to day challenges of being a parent. And it is far more than getting chores done and managing things. No amount of hired help can ever replace mere presence of a family member or friend. The warmth of a friend’s company, the concern in her words and reassurance of her being there made my life feel easy again.

The feeling was akin to the sight of an oasis in a vast desert.

She was my oasis.

Since then, she had helped me many times in numerous ways and I have often jokingly mentioned  that if I am still working and still sane, the credit goes to her. But there is more to it. She reminds me of more such people – the oasis, that I came across in the course of my life. And that is a warm and heartening feeling. They made me smile in times of grief, they kept me going when I was not willing to, they trusted in me when I lost faith in the world. Their thoughts keep me positive and motivated. Whenever I think of all those people in my life, the richness of their hearts make my already trivial problems even more petty.

That remembrance fills me with gratitude.  If I have been so lucky to experience that unconditional affection and positivity, I actually have no reason to ever be resenting anything. The sight of an oasis is what you need while you are determined to cross a desert. And I am fortunate to be blessed with many. 🙂

 

 

 

 

Mommy guilt

Ever been a mom? Then you know what I am talking about
It started when I was expecting. I used to receive 10 instructions daily about what not to do; sometimes even from well meaning and concerned strangers. And most of them left me palpitating and googling that what possible harm could I have done to my baby.
Another type of guilt engulfed me as soon as he was born. I was too weak and exhausted to take care of him. It was my mom whom he was clinging on.
Assisting me for initial 4 months night and day, when my parents left me and my baby on our own, I felt more helpless then a toddler on his first day at kindergarten. Was I even eligible to take such a huge responsibility alone! My husband on the other hand was pretty much confident, you know, that type of confidence that comes from total ignorance of what lies ahead.
I used to get frustrated and cried along with my son when I was unable to calm him down. I was sure then that I am such a bad mom. God! How do others do it!

Slowly, we set into a routine (yes, the kind, which changes every couple of days :P)

We developed a better understanding of each other and most of days were smooth and joyful with a few inevitable hardships. And a few pangs of guilt per day – not able to stop his wailing, not able to pick up his cue for hunger or elimination or tiredness and so on.

While I was struggling to be a good mom(or to prove myself), I used to receive many comments on what all I am doing incorrectly -again, sometimes by complete strangers.

Like responding to my baby as soon as he cries slightly – which will make him clingy and dependent.

Not buying him the hi-fi toys which claim to make your baby genius – no words on this!

Not feeding him solids when he is 4 months –  which is why he is so thin

Child proofing and continuous supervising – which will make him fearful

When I started working -not giving him enough time – which is hindering his milestones

and some genuine ones, like panicking on trivial things which makes situation worse.

I had to muster all my patience to stop myself from screaming when every time he fell sick, my faults were pinpointed with bizarre logics. Like this one – He caught cold because I don’t let people with cold touch him which has weakened his immunity and so he caught cold!

Oh please, why does everybody try to prove how bad mom I am! Why can’t they leave me alone with my parenting choices! I know how difficult it was for me to build confidence in myself! I beat myself up with guilt as it is, don’t need you people to amplify it! What is the big need to be judgmental!!

And slowly, the answers dawned to me. Why did I smirk at the mom whose toddler had epic meltdown in a fine dining place? Why did I feel a smug pride about not using any ready-made food for my baby? Why was I all preachy to the mom who was busy with her laptop with her baby plopped in the bouncing chair,  with a pacifier in her mouth, staring at television? Was I trying to satisfy my ego by making them feel guilty and proving that I am a better mom? Oh yes, very much!

Did that actually made me feel better? No, not at all!

I should have appreciated the patience of the mom in that dining place.

I should have empathized with the mom who has to depend on formula and should have said a couple of words to appreciate her efforts

I should have been understanding enough with the mom who had a pressing deadline and was juggling it all alone, somehow managing to work with Humpty Dumpty playing in the background.

This would have definitely made me feel better. Because I know how much it means to me when somebody appreciates my efforts and says that I am good mom. One way is to just shrug it off with I don’t care attitude and don’t let anybody’s comments matter to you at all. Another way is to acknowledge other moms, trying to see the efforts they are putting in and ignoring the slippages. Being understanding towards others is the most helpful way to develop understanding with oneself and overcome any guilt.

I am not sure being a human or a woman or being a mom has to do with this innate characteristic of being judgmental – just to cover up our insecurities. And that is not an isolated thought. Internet is full of battles- working v/s non-working , pro-nature v/s pro-tech , attachment-style v/s independent style parenting and what not! A completely useless chaos..just resulting in more stress to a phase which could be the most joyful and beautiful time of life.

Gradually, the more I evolved, I became more patient and empathetic.

And came to know that all moms are doing a terrific job. The world has its hardships to throw, and all of us are doing the best we could think of for our family and our baby.

I salute to all the stay-at-home moms who chose to set back their career and are devoting their skills, time and energy to their little munchkin.

Hats off to all the work-from-home moms for being on duty 24*7 on both the fronts without a break and switching their focus in fraction of seconds hundreds of times a day.

Kudos to all the work-from-office moms for managing to be presentable and reach some place in time after meeting all the needs at home and diving back into them just after a tiring day at work.

A big hand for all the moms of previous generations for raising multiple children with least technology and loads of other chores and responsibilities.

God bless all the devoted moms who are always available for the family. For she is so secure and confident that she accepts to be known as her baby’s mom. She is a strong woman to make this choice.

Power to all the career women out there. She values the money, time and effort put in educating herself and wants to serve the world with her skills and learning.

No mom needs to feel guilty about anything – at all. There is nothing like good mom or bad mom. Being a mom is good at its best! What other blessing can we ask for! 🙂

 

 

 

 

The journey of parenting

Its truly said that parenting is the most challenging thing you will ever do in your life.
Partially that is because even with your utmost diligence, you can never be sure if you are doing it right.
And rest due to the fact that no amount of reading, training and preparation can actually ‘prepare’ you.

Some days, looking at my perfectly happy baby who ate and slept well, I feel that I nailed it.
While more often than not, when my baby seems to hate everything, refuse to eat, or succeeds in his self sabotaging excursions in spite of all the child proofing and supervision, I wonder if I will ever be able to do it right!
How can this be so difficult! and so exhausting!! people are doing this parenting stuff since time immemorial!!
Just to make sure I am ready for such a huge responsibility, I read every parenting book available, joined forums and seek guidance from other parents.
But all this helps only as much as a GPS in a foreign land. Sounds extremely helpful, ya?
Now lets say you are a first time driver and driving your way in midst of heavy rainfall(incessant crying), random traffic(visitors and their suggestions) and bumps(health issues). And you are so occupied while driving that you cannot even glance at the GPS. That GPS guided route you have to study before starting your journey. Add sleep deprivation to it, to an extent that your eyes are open but you can barely see or comprehend what you are seeing. Now it sounds challenging enough? That’s what being a new parent is all about.
There is no destination to this journey..only milestones. And you will ponder a million times that are you on the right path? Am I doing it right?! Every time your baby falls sick or hurts himself or is crying for reasons you cannot resolve, an overwhelming mommy guilt engulfs you, no matter how confident you used to be in your ‘previous life’.
The only thing that keeps you sane is the beauty of the road traveled. And it is so much so that you will be proud of yourself and thank god for undertaking this journey.
I have read somewhere that babies are so cute because that is their defense mechanism. With a slight tweak to that, I feel that is the defense mechanism for parents. Or else, how can anybody survive on 3 hrs of sleep and terrible exhaustion!
That smile which spreads on lips like rose petals radiates energy. The cheruby hand, with dimples instead of knuckles, when it holds you, you want to keep everything in the world on hold and savor that moment. With a toothless grin and chuckle, you are tempted to perform your silliest of songs/dance to see that again. Its the most humbling experience you will have in a lifetime. And you will acquire the patience of a saint.
As a baby grows, so grows a parent. And you are never the same again.

How useless is a mobile!

All the kids these days are obsessed about mobile phones and other gadgets. (Well, slightly less than us adults!)

My son, since he was 4 months old, tried to grab my mobile whenever he got chance. In-fact when he started army crawl, we used to set mobile phone as a target. Because no other toy tempted him enough to move in a particular direction. Yes he liked to crawl but he was always too busy to do it when I wanted to capture it. Busy with suckling his fingers or big toe or having some important conversation with ceiling fan. However, whenever he saw a phone un supervised, he  instantly and magnetically managed to reach it.

I admire the persistence we have as babies. Every single time, the moment he used to reach the ‘target’, we picked the mobile and placed it away from him. And yet, without being upset, he tried to reach out for it again.

So one fine day, after a hard long crawl when he was about to grab the phone, I just locked the screen and let him hold it. At first, he was surprised and cackled out loud, staring at the mobile (and drooling like a faucet). His gaze was so awestruck, and grin so wide with the sense of accomplishment that I realized how easy it is to be happy!

With great effort, he managed to sit while trying to hold the mobile with his tiny palms.

For several minutes, he observed the phone at every angle with great attention. That look of pure concentration was something I had only while performing that prism experiment in physics

After looking at it that long, at some ‘eureka’ moment, he shrieked loudly and happily, may be as he figured out what all he can do with it. He held it horizontally and shook it like a rattle. No sound. He stopped and stared at it. Then started shaking it again while making loud babbling noises himself, as if to encourage the phone. Still no sound from phone. He stared at it again, passed from right hand to left hand and back to right. Then banged the phone on the mattress. Still no sound. No lights. Nothing. Slight disappointment showed up on his face that this playmate of his is not responding at all.

Finally, he put the phone in his drooling little mouth and in an attempt to chew it, pressed his swollen gums on phone screen. Immediately he pulled it out of his mouth, regretting the bad experience. Then he looked at me, looked at the phone. Not colourful, no lights, no sounds, not even useful for chewing. He just tossed the phone in my direction, may be wondering what his parents do all day with this useless thing and carried on with his crawling excursion after wasting so much of his precious time.

And much to my relief,  he lost his interest in mobile phones, except for posing for the selfies 😀

And yes I know, what will happen few months down the line,but till then, I can enjoy being on phone uninterrupted. 😀

 

Of a short year with long days…

…And longer nights!
An year, which now seems to be passed in a jiffy, was full of ‘the moments’

The long, long overwhelming days! And the longer nights of sleep deprivation..

And the times of epic meltdowns, and the times of joy so real, you just want to live in that moment forever

This was an year of many new milestones, of growing potentials, unending patience, unbelievable endurance

On my anniversary of being a mom, I am promising myself to pen down all the epic stories of this wonderful first year of my baby’s life. For some time, my blog is going to be mommy diaries 🙂

But atleast I will restart what and where I had left. Keep tuned..